KCMI - Counseling Tools

PREPARING YOUR CHILDREN FOR SUCCESS

We must raise our child consistent with how he or she will have to become to be successful in the real world. Children must comply with rules of social order to be civilized. We advise every parent to implement these "boundaries" when the children are still young, and when the relationships are still in good shape.  When the children are getting older, it mite be a little bid more difficult to implement these rules. 

These concepts accomplish the following:

(1) They give you relaxed ways of guiding your children;

(2) They put more responsibility for the outcomes on your children; and

(3) They keep your children consistent with how they will have to become to be successful in the real world.

Concept 1: If you are rude to the suppliers, you shouldn’t expect new supplies.

This concept is a fact of life out in the real world. To be consistent, it should be a fact of life in your home as well. If your children grow up and act rudely toward the employers who supply them with jobs, they will be strongly chastised or fired (left without jobs supplied). If your children grow up to be rude to the neighbors who supply them with loaned tools, the tool supply will be shut off. Logic says, “If you are rude to the producers, production will stop.” Then stop producing if your kids are rude to you! Don’t set your kids up to fail later in the adult world by allowing them to succeed while being rude. Don’t be bullied. Return to reason and trust your common sense.

Concept 2: If you don’t do your part in the family, you don’t get family privileges.

By law, all that parents are required to do for their children is not to neglect them, not to abuse them, and to put them through school. Almost everything else is family privilege and should be related to performance within the family. Telephones, televisions, stereos, snacks between meals, desserts after meals, allowances, new clothes, and the like are all privileges your children receive because they are your children. These things are gifts from you. They are not things you are obligated to always produce because you unconditionally love your children. A better proof of your unconditional love is that you will lovingly and consistently discipline your children. Withholding from those you truly love is ten times harder than freely giving. Establish this concept within your home: If your children don’t do their part within the family, they don’t get to enjoy all the privileges of the family. You may calmly say, No, you may not use the car tonight. You must do your part in the family to get to enjoy family privileges.

Concept 3: Mess it up. Clean it up.

There’s no need to yell when your teenager drops a jar of honey and breaks it on the kitchen floor. Just presume that he or she will clean it up (don’t forget to differentiate between immature clumsiness and defiance). Cleaning up after them selves is normally discipline enough for children since they hate to work so much. Two examples: • If they leave the bathroom a mess, they clean it up. • If they break a neighbor’s window, they face the neighbor and make things right on their own. This concept is so very important that it should be kindly taught from the beginning. Kids really will be much more careful if they know they have to be responsible and clean up their own messes. You should be aware that your complaining does not change behavior, but their work of cleaning up after themselves does.

Concept 4: Abuse it. Lose it.

Teach your children that if they abuse something, they will lose that something. This, too, is a fact of life. Notice how it will work later in the real world: • If they abuse their supervisors after they enter the adult world, they will lose their jobs. • If they abuse their credit cards, they will lose their cards and a good credit rating. • If they abuse their spouse and children, they will lose their families. Being consistent with the real world today means that if your children abuse something, they lose that something. Example: When your children abuse the privilege of going out by not keeping the family values, then they lose the privilege of going out and are grounded until a relationship of trust can be reestablished. Without assuming a defensive posture, make the statement: Notice the wording: “Since you . . . chose . . . you have chosen for us to…..

Concept 5: Waste it. Replace it.

There’s no need for a big scene. In a friendly matter-of-fact manner say something like You may say, you guys were really having a blast….. Now, Do you want me to take the cost of the shaving cream out of your allowance, or do you want me to give you a couple of jobs to earn it?

Concept 6: Want more? Pay the extra.

You’ll be thankful for this concept when your teenagers want designer clothes or tennis shoes with a prestigious name brand. You can say it’s okay with us if you want designer clothes. We will be happy top’ the amount we would normally pay for your clothes and you can make up the difference. Don’t say it smugly. Say it in a warm and friendly manner. The golden rule says to do unto your children as you would like them to do unto you, if the roles were reversed.

Remember to check your attitude and responses toward your children with “Will this heal?” Put realism into action. These concepts will help you. But you must develop emotional readiness before you are prepared to carry through. You’ve got to muscle-up emotionally before you can take this on.